Cossie's Food for Thought

But they won't change ...

Have you ever experienced the problem of wanting someone to change what they are doing - or how they are doing it - and you simply meet a brick wall of resistance?  It's like trying to lift someone large who does not want to be lifted.  Even if we manage to change their location we almost never succeed in changing their attitude.

I have had a reminder lesson on this very subject this week as I have tried to persuade someone close to me to be different with another - and have found myself, once more, pushing against the door marked 'pull'.

What if relationships carry their own atmosphere made up of 'me' and 'you' molecules?  A dynamic atmosphere that adapts and reacts - not so much according to 'what' we do or say but, rather, to 'how' we are towards the other when we are doing or saying.  When I am responsive, open and caring - the atmosphere is like gas and the molecules freely inter-mingle in response to the other's needs.  When I am resistant, demanding and judgmental the molecules polarise, harden and become like two different substances - separate and impenetrable.   We go from techni-colour to monochrome in the blink of an eye.  

When I get in this state my natural tendency is to get frustrated, to push harder and to blame the other for the separation that I feel - and they do the same.  We get stuck in our own little ice age.  It's at times like these I need to watch Kinky Boots again.

 

This has to be one of the best movies ever made around leading change.  It illustrates much of what I teach through Arbinger workshops - that successful change comes from at least three dynamics - me taking ownership for the state of 'my molecules', awareness of my impact on the other's and cultivate a willingness to be different in relationship.  It's time for the teacher to become the student again but, as Elton John often reminds us, Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

Food for thought

 

The ultimate challenge - finding balance

 I had a trip to Melbourne this week to work with an amazing group of people.  Normally I can't wait to get on the road - not because I like getting away from home - but because I love this work.  I love discovering and re-discovering the insights and opportunities to become more effective in relationship that come through working with Arbinger's unique material.  Nothing has changed there - and yet something has changed.  I have a new baby at home now.  My grand daughter Tamryn is just 1 week old and she already has a hold on me.

Maybe, because of that, I have become more conscious of an issue that keeps bubbling to the surface for many of my workshop participants - the issue of balance.  How do I manage to give full measure to my job and my family and, in all this, what about me? When do I get enough time to do my stuff?  Haven't I earned the right to take a breath?  It made me think of this great Aussie anthem from the 80's:

 

When I am in the resistant 'way of being' I seem to focus on the unfairness of it all and start singing that song - 'what about me?'.  I am the victim here.  Others have caused this problem.  Who's going to help me?  The more I think this way the more self focussed I become and the more likely I am to find evidence to support this thinking.  I am bugged by everyone and everything.  I become a missile-seeking target.   How different was my experience when I simply felt to help?

Wayne Rogers shared a great insight on balance with me once.   He told me that, for him, happiness and effectiveness are not so much about finding balance as they are about finding presence.  I continually ponder this.  When I strive for balance It feels like I am straddling an electric fence - one false move and my world explodes.  Straddle the present with my attention being torn between the done and the undone and I become blind to the possibilities that are in plain sight.  When I find moments of presence there are no more 'what about me' songs playing in my head.  I find myself 'in the zone' - in a space where it's not about me.  It's a space where we intuitively sense the right thing to do or say for others.  

The power of being present and really seeing the people in our lives should never be underestimated.  Check this clip out when you have the time.  It is one of my all-time favourites - guaranteed to make you smile :-)

 

How can I be present with those at home when I am so busy at work that I don't have the time?  Why should I when they are often 'not present ' with me.  To paraphrase a statement from The Choice - Nothing I can do will help others be more present with me as much as simply being more present with them.  Maybe all they need is for me to see them as they are - as people - and to respond to the sense of helpfulness that emerges in the moment.

Food for thought ...

How 'new' will this year be?

As this is my first post for 2011 - It is timely to reflect on both the past and the future.  Over the years I have always looked forward and set specific goals to be achieved by the end of the new year.  I have then gone to work developing detailed plans to get me from 'A' to 'B'.  Despite all this effort - life has never gone to plan - and I have always been left with a degree of frustration with my efforts to control my destiny.    

2010 started with the death of a friend.  2011 has started with the birth of a child.  Both very different events and yet similar in their effect on me as they have me thinking about my life and how to make the most of it.  I am in Sydney this week, on a job, so I am yet to meet my grand daughter and to hug her wonderful mother - but I remember well the sense of wonder at the vulnerability of a new born child and what that calls forth in others.  She has no goals or plans.  She has little capability to do anything on her own.  Her survival and success depends almost entirely on the people around her and on their responsiveness to her needs.

My first thought was that I have much to teach this little one - but is that entirely true?  I suspect that, in reality, I have more to learn from her than I have to teach her.  I watched a talk recently by Brene Brown on the power of vulnerability.  I found a lot of resonance in her message with Arbinger's work.  Some of the language may be different but ....

 

The biggest mistakes I have made at the start of each year is to put too much emphasis on controlling my destiny and not enough on simply being open to the possibilities that life, and the people around me, stand ready to offer.  Terry Warner once told me that the most audacious goal in life I could have was to simply 'be responsive'.  I think the fear of being exposed as something more or less than I have proported myself to be has left me clinging to the 'shore of life' reciting my well worn excuses for not letting go.

This year I am going to try something different.  This year is going to be about an intention simply to be present in the moment and responsive to what it offers - and an intention to help those around me to succeed.  Will it be a new year or will it be the same old one I have always experienced.  Time will tell.

Food for thought ....