Are we pushing when we should be pulling?

I was giving a presentation on dealing with difficult relationships to a group of business leaders last week, using the Arbinger Leadership Pyramid as a framework, when we got into a discussion on the cause and cost of conflict.   What impact does it have on our productivity and profitability when we find ourselves spending more and more time lighting and fighting fires - stuck in the thick of thin things - dealing with things that are going wrong?

The main problem we face when we focus on directing and correcting others is that, in doing so, we simply 'feed the fires' of friction in the workplace.  We find ourselves having to use more and more energy - pushing harder and harder - against the door marked 'pull'.  

Let me illustrate.  I remember a time when I was struggling with one of my teenage daughters.  She was hanging out with the 'wrong crowd' and I wanted her to stop.  It didn't take her long to teach me that my power over her was an illusion that she didn't share and the more I tried to use it - the worse her behaviour got.  I was a leader without a follower.  Shouting louder just didn't work any more.  There came a point where I realised I needed to apply Arbinger's Leadership Pyramid - but was frustrated that even when I did the behaviours associated with 'helping things go right' - I was still stuck.  It wasn't until I examined the deep foundations of my relationship with her that I found the problem.  They were shallow and rotten.  I was in the box.  I wasn't seeing her as a person.  I was seeing her as a problem that needed to be fixed.  I believed the change that would fix things was for her to recognise that I was right and she was wrong - but it wasn't.  The change that made change possible was for me to realise that to have any influence - I needed to be 'right' with her - to see her as a person who counts the same as me.  Funnily enough - when I made that shift in my 'way of being' her behaviour that was bugging me changed almost immediately.  It was as if I had been pushing with everything I had on a door marked pull.  It makes me wonder.  What if I do this in every conflict I experience?   How much energy am I wasting?

After I told this story to the group we began to explore the cost of conflict.  How much does it cost when people get sidetracked and stuck - when their minds are filled with planning the next skirmish instead of delivering results?  One of the participants, an architect, shared an amazing insight.  He likened the problem to fixing a leaky home.  He said that, as a rule of thumb, fixing a building with structural problems costs 11 times the amount it would have taken to get it right in the first place.  Imagine that!  11 times the original cost simply wasted because we didn't get it right.  

What if that same number applies to organisations?  Aren't they just another form of structure - built out of people held together by relationships?  What impact does our 'way of being' have on the bottom line?  How do I recognise when I am the problem?  Food for thought ....

p.s. check this out.  A 3 minute clip that might challenge the foundations of one of our oldest skills - tying our shoes :-)

 

 

Comments

[David Buchan]

One could be trite and say the cost of conflict is the cost of not treating people as people but that doesn't really answer the question does it? Cost infers a dollar measurement. How do you measure damage to our humanity? I don't know how to express it yet I know how to feel it.

"How do I recognise when I am the problem?" may be as simple of developing a habit whereby you assume you are. Most people assume they are not. This does not mean you are the problem but lets you into a space where you can ask, "If I'm the problem how am I contributing to this?" or, "If I'm the problem what behaviour would I see in others towards me?"

[Belstaff Coat]

Now we have a great walkway that goes to the beach and to the canals that came from the partnership of community with government

[new Pandora Charm Bracelet]

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.