Cossie's Food for Thought

Leadership and art of being wrong

How many of you would list 'being wrong' as one of the most desirable traits of a leader?  If not - should we?  Let me explain...

I had one of those moments recently where I realised that I had been totally wrong in my assessment of another and, by the time I figured it out, it was too late - he was dead.  We fell out when we were kids.  He did something that offended me and, in my mind, he got away with it.  From that point on I saw him as a 'user' and worse and as time went on, he kept doing things to prove me right.  

I avoided him as much as I could and, when I couldn't, I kept him at arms length.  From where I stood - that was a great decision.  He kept making bad choices and 'using' the people around him.  Everything I saw or heard justified my judgement.  Whenever his name came up in conversation I made sure that those I was talking with could see what I was seeing.

Three weeks ago I got the call.  John was dead.  No surprise there given the abuse he put his body through.  I decided to attend his funeral - my stated intent was to support his mother - but I guess I was looking for the final proof of my judgements - the final evidence of my rightness.

What I found, over the day or so that I was there, was something totally different.  I found a man being honoured by his family and friends as a force of nature who touched their lives for good.  How could that be?  I knew what he had done to some of them - and yet they chose to look beyond that - and in doing so they gave me a different picture.  He wasn't the monster I had made him to be.  He was more than that - much more - and I am grateful for the fresh perspective they offered me.

I got the wrong end of the stick and it was so easy to do. Just click on this image and follow the instructions to see just how easy it is:

Levinas talks of the gaze, the eye-to-eye connection of two people, as the space where their humanity is revealed - where we get to see them for who they can be ( see my previous post - the eyes have it).  As we can see from the video exercise - using our peripheral vision can lead to incredible distortions - that seem so real at the time - but are oh so wrong.  Making a definitive judgement about someone limits me to a peripheral view that doesn't tell the truth - it simply justifies my judgement.

What if i'm wrong about the people I have written off?  The people I have judged as flawed?  What if the problem is with my selective self-serving eyesight and not them at all?  How can a leader bring out the best in those around him or her if we are not open to the idea that we might be wrong?

Food for thought ....

p.s. check this out :-)

 

Are we stuck yet?

Leading change is one of the most challenging roles we can face in life.  No matter how good the planning - the maps we were using don't always prepare us for the actual ground conditions or the elements.  This hilarious clip illustrates the experience that many of us have had trying to implement someone's great idea:

 

 Ludwig von Bertalanffy once said something to the effect we can study hydrogen and oxygen as much as we like but we will never understand the concept of wetness until we put our own hand in the bucket of water.

Change Leadership requires us to get our feet wet.  It is something we experience with others.  Change Management is more of a spectator sport.

For us to be effective in leading change with others we need to be actively experiencing the same level of vulnerability that we would require of others.  This is the tough bit - to have the confidence in oneself that is necessary to instill confidence and yet remain open to the possibility that I might be wrong.

 

Food for thought ....

How will I know?

I was asked a question last week that has had me thinking ever since.  "How will I know when I am out of the box?"

Being 'out of the box' is one of Arbinger's metaphors for having a responsive 'way of being' towards others: seeing others for who they are - people who count the same as we do; being alive to their hopes, their needs and their fears; and having a sense of what I can do, in the moment, to help them succeed.

My answer, at the time, was that in some ways I can't know when I am 'out of the box' - not in the moment at least.  My experience is that being 'out of the box' is something I become conscious of only after the fact - when I have lost it - and that can happen the moment I think to ask that question - am I 'out of the box'?  For me - being 'out of the box' is a state where I am fully focussed, in the moment, on others and not me.  In those moments I get to see people in terms of how I can help them as opposed to the norm of how they can help me.  If I ask the question then the spell is broken - the bubble disappears and I am back in my world of self concern, striving for preference.

Athletes and artists often talk of times when they are immersed in 'the zone' - in a state of peak performance where they are at one with the task.  Paul Newman describes it in this clip from 'The Hustler':

 

You're a Winner, Eddie
The Hustler — MOVIECLIPS.com

 

 I think of it as being fully in the present - but the trick is that I can't make it happen - I can only let it happen - and that means that I have to get out of the way.  Ironic isn't it?  To achieve this state where I am arguably at my best I need to forget about me.

Quality of Life researcher, teacher and author Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi talks of a state of flow where in rising to an above-average challenge with above-average skill - seven conditions exist in the moment:  complete focus, a sense of ecstasy, great inner clarity, total confidence, serenity, timelessness and intrinsic motivation - that the opportunity to do what we are involved in is it's own reward.  Here is a 2004 TED talk (19 minutes) where he describes his findings:

 

He talks of our need to have at least 10 years experience in our field to develop the level of skill necessary to achieve flow (another take on the 10,000 hour rule) and gives examples of composers, academics and athletes - yet I think this is just as applicable to every-day people as it is to experts.

Being 'out of the box' is like a state of flow in relationship where we act without self-interest for the good of another human being.  It is something we are all capable of and we are at our best, as human beings when we are in that state with each other.

How will I know?  I realise I was breathing when it becomes difficult to breath.  I realise I was healthy when I become ill.  Maybe the most important question is not "how will I know when I am 'out of the box'?" but rather "How will I know when I am 'in the box' and settling for less?

Food for thought....