Cossie's Food for Thought

Are we pushing when we should be pulling?

I was giving a presentation on dealing with difficult relationships to a group of business leaders last week, using the Arbinger Leadership Pyramid as a framework, when we got into a discussion on the cause and cost of conflict.   What impact does it have on our productivity and profitability when we find ourselves spending more and more time lighting and fighting fires - stuck in the thick of thin things - dealing with things that are going wrong?

The main problem we face when we focus on directing and correcting others is that, in doing so, we simply 'feed the fires' of friction in the workplace.  We find ourselves having to use more and more energy - pushing harder and harder - against the door marked 'pull'.  

Let me illustrate.  I remember a time when I was struggling with one of my teenage daughters.  She was hanging out with the 'wrong crowd' and I wanted her to stop.  It didn't take her long to teach me that my power over her was an illusion that she didn't share and the more I tried to use it - the worse her behaviour got.  I was a leader without a follower.  Shouting louder just didn't work any more.  There came a point where I realised I needed to apply Arbinger's Leadership Pyramid - but was frustrated that even when I did the behaviours associated with 'helping things go right' - I was still stuck.  It wasn't until I examined the deep foundations of my relationship with her that I found the problem.  They were shallow and rotten.  I was in the box.  I wasn't seeing her as a person.  I was seeing her as a problem that needed to be fixed.  I believed the change that would fix things was for her to recognise that I was right and she was wrong - but it wasn't.  The change that made change possible was for me to realise that to have any influence - I needed to be 'right' with her - to see her as a person who counts the same as me.  Funnily enough - when I made that shift in my 'way of being' her behaviour that was bugging me changed almost immediately.  It was as if I had been pushing with everything I had on a door marked pull.  It makes me wonder.  What if I do this in every conflict I experience?   How much energy am I wasting?

After I told this story to the group we began to explore the cost of conflict.  How much does it cost when people get sidetracked and stuck - when their minds are filled with planning the next skirmish instead of delivering results?  One of the participants, an architect, shared an amazing insight.  He likened the problem to fixing a leaky home.  He said that, as a rule of thumb, fixing a building with structural problems costs 11 times the amount it would have taken to get it right in the first place.  Imagine that!  11 times the original cost simply wasted because we didn't get it right.  

What if that same number applies to organisations?  Aren't they just another form of structure - built out of people held together by relationships?  What impact does our 'way of being' have on the bottom line?  How do I recognise when I am the problem?  Food for thought ....

p.s. check this out.  A 3 minute clip that might challenge the foundations of one of our oldest skills - tying our shoes :-)

 

 

Something to smile about

Have you ever noticed how the simplest things can make the biggest difference to the success of a team?  This week I want to share a simple thing that costs nothing but potentially benefits everyone and everything.  I'm talking about our propensity to smile.

Let me explain.  We had a new move-in introduce herself, this week, at a community group I belong to.  I don't remember much of what she said but I do remember her dazzling, irrepressible smile bubbling to the surface again and again as she spoke.  I found myself smiling in return and you could tangibly feel a lifting of the collective attitude in the room.  Have you ever had that experience?  Just going through the motions, when someone comes along and beams a smile that just calls your own smile out in response? 

This short TED talk by Ron Gutman shares what science has discovered about the power of the smile and really makes me think about the possibilities:

 

Imagine that! Kids smile up to 400 times a day yet only 1/3 of adults smile more than 20 times a day.  How often do you smile?  I like to think of myself as happy - but many of the photos taken over the years show an expression that hovers between neutral and grim.  What sort of influence could I have on others if I simply let my smile out more often?

What if the brightness and frequency of our smile, as a leader, has a direct effect on the brightness and frequency of smiles in our workplaces and homes?  Maybe one of the easiest ways we can create a space where people are happily engaged in delivering great results is simply to smile brightly more often?  It certainly won't cost anything for us to put it to the test.  Kids smile, on average, once every 2 minutes and 30 seconds.  What about you?  When I think about it - I might be lucky to smile brightly once or twice an hour.

Personally, I think smiling is a symptom of being present, in the moment, out of the box with another, sharing the wonder of discovering the world afresh.  What if increasing my SQ ( my smile quotient) makes me happier, makes other's happier, reduces stress, increases productivity, increases life span, unleashes creativity and delivers better results?  Is it worth experimenting with this week?

Food for thought ...

p.s. - Dave Oldham from O-Codes shared this with me - and it really gave me something to smile about :-)  Have a great week and pass it on :-)

 

Finding a fresh perspective

One of the biggest challenges we face as leaders is tunnel vision.  We get so deep into what we are trying to achieve that we start missing other evidence - even when it is staring us in the face.  This is part and parcel of self deception.  If we are not careful - we can get stuck - pushing against the door marked pull.

Sometimes we need a game changer - a fresh perspective that gives us a chance to ponder the situation anew.  I had one sent to me this week by my friend Kamran (cheers mate).  Watch and see if this baby's response to the rejection letter his father received works as well for you as it does for me. 

 

Do you have a game changer you can go to when resistance starts weigh heavy?   Being stuck is a state of mind.  

Food for thought.....

Can you see the bubble?

Check out this TED talk by Eli Pariser.  It is less than 10 minutes long and he raises an issue that might be more important than we realise....

 

My first thoughts, after watching this clip, were around the implications of being stuck in a 'web of one' - where the only information I receive is what computers 'decide' is relevant to me.  Then I remembered that this happens outside of the web as well.  How many of us have told someone in power or authority what we think they want to hear as opposed to what we believe or perceive?  If we do it with others then surely it is done to us as well.  What can we trust to be true or balanced?

I think I can rely on my own observations - yet - there's a problem here too.  In self-deception I distort my perception of what I see and hear to justify my mistreatment of others.  How does that happen?  Let me illustrate.  On Wednesday I took a call from a lady who works for the Kapiti Expressway project.  After briefly introducing herself she informed me that 'fortunately' all of my property is now required for the new road.  I saw red!  I gave her a spray and hung up on her.  In subsequent conversation with her boss he mentioned that her script used the word unfortunately and not the one I had heard.  While I still think it is dumb to use a word that can be heard as it's polar opposite meaning when giving bad news to a victim - I have to ask the question - did the caller mis-speak or did I mis-hear in order to justify my abusive reaction?

Whether we call it 'the box' or a bubble - this disconnection from balance and perspective is a major challenge for all of us.  How can we make good decisions when the information we base them on is woefully incomplete, dangerously unbalanced and then distorted to suit our purposes?    For those who watch movies - it's like being trapped in the Matrix - thinking that everything is as we perceive it and unable to see the code.

That's why I choose to work with Arbinger - because their language and tools help me to see some of the distortions in my own life and that gives me choices around how I respond.  It doesn't mean I get it right but sometimes I get to make it right - and that's good enough for now.  Having others 'feed' us managed information is dangerous but this pales in comparison to the risks we present by maintaing self-justifying images of ourselves.  Google and Facebook do present a threat to balance and perspective in the way they 'handle' us but will they make the change if we won't be it? 

Blue Pill or Red Pill
The Matrix at MOVIECLIPS.com

 

 Before Neo could see the matrix he had to take the pill.  Maybe it's time for me to read Leadership and Self Deception or Anatomy of Peace again?  Food for thought ....

Choosing to be wrong

For a week that started with so much promise - this one has been a stinker.  I ended last week spending a great day with family, friends and food - and then watching my team (The Highlanders) win well - against the odds.  Everything was looking great and then Monday came...

We had started renovations on the home and office and my help was needed - and I climbed deep into 'the box' and slammed the lid shut.  I don't know where it started but I got so bent out of shape that everything was like a another strip of flesh being slowly torn from my heart.  I started to question the value of relationships that are priceless.  I struggled with a migraine - which I carefully fed with chocolate and then wallowed in the delicious pain that intensified.  I shut myself down and cut myself off.  I had gone from a quest for responsiveness to a campaign for resistance in the blink of an eye.  All of the time believing that this was something that others were doing to me!

There were 2 moments that challenged this funk I was in.  One was when I found myself, in the supermarket, making an old man with a walking stick go around me when I could so easily have stepped out of the way - and as he walked past - seriously thinking about kicking the stick out from under him.  Does a genuine victim scheme about tripping up strangers and find pleasure in it?  The second moment was when I realised I missed my granddaughter.  Her mother moved from our home into a flat at the weekend and so Tamryn went too.  I had been face to face with this chubby cherub - almost every day for the last 3 months - being smiled at and talked to - and now there was a hole.

The bottom line is that I was wrong.  The world had not turned against me.  My family had not abandoned me.  The old man had not offended me.  I had just been wrong in a moment - and had initiated a chain reaction of judgments and justifications to keep me from facing the facts - that life doesn't always go to plan - and that I am free to choose to be wrong.  Check this TED talk from Kathryn Shulz about being wrong when you have time (17 mins):

 

Funnily enough, I found out this morning that we had $8,000 ripped off from a credit card overnight and I dropped myself from the golf team for the weekend but, funnily enough, the world has not come to an end.  What had changed?  I visited Tamryn yesterday and re-connected, a friend called and talked for an hour and another friend sent me this clip that just made me laugh:

 

Maybe I need to spend more time choosing to be wrong about the negative impact other people are having on me.  Food for thought ....

Under Pressure?

Have you ever felt under pressure to perform and deliver a result?  I am not sure how it is for you - but the feeling I experience when under pressure is one of anxiety.  It starts in the pit of my stomach, as a tightness, and spreads up the torso into shallow breathing and a hollowness - a feeling I associate with a 'fight or flight' adrenaline dump.  This is all good - if the challenge before me is one that requires fight or flight - but most of the time my challenge is to deliver on something a little less vigorous.  At work it might be to complete a proposal or to make a difficult phone call or to choose between doing a task or spending time with family.  In sport it is usually around the need to sink a putt to win the match.  My reality is that the pressure I feel has a direct inverse correlation to the likelihood I will deliver.  For me - more pressure = less success.

I played a golf match today against two friends.  It is a regular event and very competitive.  I shot into an early lead but soon found myself worrying about the next shot, the last shot, the end result and the way they were perceiving me - based on the shots I wasn't making.  I was worrying about everything, my anxiety levels steadily grew and my performance suffered.  I struggled to be present and still in the moments that required it most.  How different my game is when I just play for the pleasure of it all.  This contrast is beautifully illustrated in my favourite 'golf as life' movie - The Legend of Bagger Vance.  Junnah, a one-time local hero, has been talked into representing his town against the world's best golfers and is struggling under the pressure....

 

I was always taught that pressure was good and that 'when the going get's tough - the tough get going'. Just suck it up!  Man up!  Withstand the pressure.  This may be true when experiencing G-forces - but maybe not so much when the pressure is in my mind.  I have learned, through working with Arbinger's approach to self-deception, that there are tell-tale signs available to me, in my very experience of life as I live it, that can let me know when I might be in 'the box' (a state of self deception where I distort the truth in order to justify a previous choice).  One of those signs, for me, is the feeling of anxiety when I get worried about my image - that carefully manicured portrayal of how I wish to be seen - by myself and others.  

Contrast that crushing feeling of anxiety with the soaring feeling I experience when I am 'in the zone' - present and engaged in the passionate pursuit of something that I feel drawn to.  I could call it pressure but there is no anxiety here.  It is more like excitement and joy.  It is, for me, a state of exhilleration where time seems to stand still.  So - passion is like being in 'the field' and pressure is like being 'in the box'.  In the field I am more likely to succeed because I have no fear of failure - I accept all results as feedback which I can build on.  In the box I limit my chance of success because my fear of failure is all-consuming.  

I recognised today that the pressure I was feeling, standing over the putter, was the weight of 'the box' and with that came the realisation that it doesn't have to be that way - I have a choice.  If the pressure comes from the way I perceive myself in relationship to the task and the worId - then I can change my frame.  I can get out of 'the box' by choosing to focus, instead, on the passion that brought me here in the first place and responding to what is needed in the moment.  I can choose passion over pressure.  

Maybe real toughness is the ability to keep my eye on the passion of life and remain untouched by pressure and anxiety.

Food for thought......

Can we maintain integrity?

Can competition undermine integrity?  I was watching a Rugby League match on TV at the weekend and, as a spectator, I was frustrated by some of the tactics.  Players were complaining bitterly to the ref about being held down too long in the tackle by the opposition when, in reality, they were actively preventing the tackler from getting off.  We sometimes call it 'milking the penalty' and we see it in sports and life. I engaged in a bit of it myself when I was playing rugby and, to be honest, I still tend to do it at home and at work.  All's fair in love and war isn't it? Everybody is doing it aren't they?  No harm no foul?  Do unto others as they might do to you - only do it first?

Competition is not inherently bad - but it can bring out the worst in us.  Our integrity is tested and my quest for performance (being at my best) can be overwhelmed by my quest for preference (being seen as the best).  One quest cares for the game and everyone involved while the other cares only for the result that best suits me.

What is integrity?  There are many definitions but I tend to think of it in terms of consistency and wholeness - where our actions model the values we espouse both individually and collectively.

Cressey's Fraud Triangle proposes three dynamics that are in play when we choose to 'break the rules'.  There is an opportunity to cheat, there is pressure that can be be soothed by our cheating and there is a rationalisation for doing it - an excuse to make or someone else to blame - that justifies our actions.  When I reflect some of the times I have cheated myself (and others) these dynamics have all been present.  An opportunity arose (the ref wasn't looking), I have been under pressure to deliver a result or to maintain an image (we were behind on the scoreboard), and there has been a story to tell that can justify my actions (they got away with such and such).  The big problem is that every time I do this I find myself needing to do it again because I come to believe the justification I created.  I now operate in a world where much of my energy goes into maintaining the story that makes my wrong seem right - instead of investing my energy into us being at our best.  I am self-deceived or, as Arbinger would say, I am in 'the box'.

Remember the Titans is a movie that portrays a great example of someone choosing performance over preference.   Bill Yoast is the successful coach of a champion High School football team in Virginia during the 1960's.  His school was 'integrated' in 1971 and he was replaced as head coach by Herman Boon - a black man.  This clip starts at a point where Yoast comes under pressure to put himself first....(watch though to the 6:40 mark and ignore the free stuff thingee):

 

Great leadership inspires great results and Coach Yoast left no doubt concerning his choices.  Integrity empowers influence.

All of us have opportunities, every day, to choose between preference and something bigger.   What would it be like if I put more focus into the success of 'we' - playing at my best and encouraging my playing partners to be at their best also?  Maybe I should read this post before I next play my kids at cards :-)

Food for thought....

 

Choosing to be unstoppable

This week's post is for those of us who seek to make a difference - for the good.

Have you ever tried to do something different and felt exposed to the cutting winds of isolation? - alone, disconnected and criticised? There seems to be a deep-rooted need, within most of us, to feel included and accepted.  However we choose to describe different - it is a lonely space to occupy - fully open to the scrutiny and ridicule of others.  What's worse is that many see different as threatening - a rogue element needing to be recovered, mitigated, alienated or eliminated.  

This defensiveness is understandable, particularly if the change threatens the 'health' of the whole - but, in reality, most of the time it does not.  The difference simply challenges the culture of comfort enjoyed by the many.  

Leading change requires courage; the courage to stand exposed and to 'do our thing' until others find the courage to join.  Leading change sometimes requires us to 'dance as if no-one is watching' and yet to trust that they are getting the beat.  This clip is worth watching.  I saw it on one of Seth Godin's blog posts a couple of years ago and have often about it since:

 

Resisting the temptation to write our lead dancer's performance off to chemicals, let's just assume that he was dancing simply because he felt that it was the right thing to do at the time.  Talk about exposed.  Every one else is sitting around - and he is not just swaying to the music - he's going for it.  The camera's are on him and over 4 million people have watched his performance.  We could say that a minute on his own is not so long - but another clip on YouTube shows him full-on dancing for at least 8 minutes before this song ever started.  In the end his persistence pays dividends - people realise that he is unstoppable and they are drawn to join him - from a trickle to a rush.

Being unstoppable is a choice we can make.  We can step into the open and start the dance or we can look for those that are already out there and join them..  Every change worth making has a tipping point ,after which momentum takes care of the rest.  In this example it took at least three.  After that it was easy.  It takes real courage to stand or join before the tipping point is reached and yet they are the only ones that really make a difference - even if they don't always get the credit.  

It makes me wonder where I might be hiding in the crowd, going with the flow and keeping my head down.  It also makes me wonder where I might be faltering - worrying too much about the opinion of others.  Whether first or third - and no matter how long it feels we have been up there on our own - others will come.  We just need to prove ourselves to be unstoppable.  

Food for thought....

How would you handle an invitation to war?

Have you ever received an invitation to war?  Did it come with an RSVP deadline?  I got one last week.  One of the things I do, outside of Arbinger, is manage a golf team in the local 18 hole interclub competition.  Last week we were playing at another, flasher course so, knowing I was going to be out of town for most of the week, I contacted them early to get the starting time for our match.  8.22 am.  Great!  I love the smell of cut grass in the morning (especially when someone else has cut it :-).  I contact my team and let them know. Everything is sorted - or so I think.

Late on the Wednesday evening, before the match, I get an e-mail from the opposing club forwarded to me with the start time now set at 12.30.  What the (insert the bleep that works for you)?  Are they messing with us?  Are they just arrogant?  Is this just incompetence?  I rang them up the next day and no-one could tell me why the time was changed - it just was.

I found myself planning revenge.  I lost 2 of my better players for the match because of schedule clashes.  I started planning how to 'stick it to them' when it is our turn to host.  I found myself running the opposition down to anyone who had ears.

There is only one problem.  What if it wasn't an invitation to war?  What if it was just a mistake?  What if the change was to help someone out?  When we turned up on Saturday and I asked the question - it become clear very early that the time had never been changed - there had just been an error in communication - either at their end or mine.  Even though I am constantly surrounded by better explanations - I always choose the ones that suit me.  To add insult to injury - they whooped us.  Could it be that the victim card I dealt to my players undermined their ability to enjoy the game?

The other club did nothing wrong.  There was no invitation to war.  There was just me, in the box towards them, looking for proof that would justify my prejudice.  When I am like this I am already at war and everything they do is an aggravating invitation - regardless of what it is.  Their very existence offends me.  How many conflicts in my life would be prevented if I looked for better explanations instead of just the convenient ones?  What if the invitation was posted by me?  What if it always is.

Food for thought ...

p.s. Todays clip is unrelated to the post but it says something about the magic of the moment - when people connect.  It is about 18 minutes but I think it is worth the investment as Sarah Kay has something to say and an engaging way of saying it.

 

What's the one thing?

There are so many books out there sharing insight and expertise on leadership that it is easy to get overwhelmed with all the recipes on offer.  Add five of this, stir in three of these, leave out eight of that ....  Sound familiar?  Almost all the recipes have value - but I don't have the time to experiment with them all.  Sometimes I have wondered what the one thing might be  - the one recipe, the one ingredient - that could be of greatest value to my leadership efforts.

I found a candidate this week in an unlikely place - or should I say - under an unlikely heading.  Barry Brownstein added a blog post to the Arbinger Community with the title 'Projecting Charlie Sheen'.  The headline was so unexpected that I went in for a read and found a gem.  In his post he quotes a recent blog post from former student and now professor Warren Nilsson....

"…In general people are very poor at reading and understanding each other’s inner lives. Most of us might think we are among the exceptions – that our powers of psychological insight are remarkably keen – but I think this is a grand delusion. We are experts not at comprehending each other but at projecting our own perspectives, desires, and insecurities out onto the world. We are gifted and unapologetic fantasists… We .. continue deceiving ourselves that we understand perfectly what other people are experiencing."

What if the one thing of greatest value to me as a leader - as someone looking to have influence on others - is to simply accept that our understanding of what others are experiencing is imperfect at best.  One of the greatest deceptions I perpetuate on myself is that 'I know what you are going through'.  When I do this I simply project an overlay of myself onto you and congratulate myself for my deep insight.  This distorted insight now reinforces my perception of my powers of understanding - and the hole I am digging for myself just gets deeper.

How can I lead or influence people when I won't see them and therefore can't learn from them?  How can make the most of the people I work with when I won't allow myself to be influenced by who they really are and what they are actually experiencing?  

Maybe the greatest improvement I can make in my leadership is to assume that I know nothing of their experience and that there is much that I can learn from every person I come in contact with.  Not long after pondering this topic I found a talk given by Steve Jobs.  It was interesting to watch given the assumptions I had built up around the speaker.  If you haven't seen this already - it is well worth the investment of 15 minutes:

 

Much of leadership, and life, is about connecting the dots - making sense out of our experiences and moving forward with purpose - and many of the greatest opportunities that come to us are not in the things we do but, rather, in the people we meet and the lessons we learn from them - if we will just stop looking for our own reflections and simply see them, as they are, without distortion ....

Food for thought ....